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Dealing with Perfectionism: Balancing High Standards with Self-Compassion

Anna

Perfectionism is often celebrated as a badge of honor.


It’s the quality we proudly cite in job interviews as our “greatest weakness.” After all, who doesn’t want to be known for their high standards, meticulous attention to detail and dedication to excellence?



Yet, behind the polished exterior of perfectionism often lies a troubling reality: a relentless inner critic, burnout and a gnawing feeling of never being good enough.


Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists, calls this the silent epidemic of perfectionism. Through her research and clinical experience, she highlights that while perfectionism can sometimes lead to success, it often comes at a steep cost.


Understanding Perfectionism: The Good and the Bad


Perfectionism isn’t inherently negative. At its best, it’s the pursuit of excellence, driven by conscientiousness—the personality trait that makes people diligent and responsible. As Dr. Hendriksen puts it, “Conscientiousness is the world’s least sexy superpower.” It’s a cornerstone of success and fulfillment.


However, problems arise when perfectionism tips into unhealthy territory, a state researchers term “overevaluation.” This occurs when self-worth becomes tangled with performance—when “I did good” translates to “I am good.”


Unhealthy perfectionism comes in three forms:


  1. Self-oriented perfectionism: Harsh self-criticism.

  2. Other-oriented perfectionism: Imposing high standards on others.

  3. Socially prescribed perfectionism: Feeling burdened by others' expectations.


Research shows that all three types of perfectionism are increasing, with the sharpest rise in socially prescribed perfectionism. Dr. Hendriksen links this trend to the rise of social media, which amplifies comparisons and fuels an unrealistic need to “perform” in every aspect of life.



The Trap of All-or-Nothing Thinking


Perfectionists often fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking. They set the bar for “adequate” at flawless and feel like failures at the slightest misstep. Dr. Hendriksen shares a poignant story of a veteran pediatrician who questioned her competence after a single diagnostic error, despite decades of excellent work. The challenge lies in reframing mistakes: not as evidence of personal failure but as an inevitable part of life and growth.


Making Room for Mistakes


Rather than demanding perfection, a healthier approach is to accept that mistakes are a natural part of any process. Dr. Hendriksen advises shifting the narrative: instead of “I’m a bad doctor,” try “I’m a good doctor who occasionally makes mistakes.” This mindset extends to all roles in life—whether as a parent, professional, or friend—and emphasizes that mistakes don’t erase competence or care.


Walt Disney vs. Fred Rogers: A Tale of Two Perfectionists


Two beloved icons of childhood, Walt Disney and Fred Rogers, exemplify contrasting approaches to perfectionism. Disney was notorious for his obsessive attention to detail, to the point of exhaustion. While his pursuit of perfection created groundbreaking work, it also created stress and strained relationships.

In contrast, Fred Rogers embraced what he called “guided drift.”


He upheld high standards but allowed flexibility and imperfection. When mistakes happened on his show, he used them as teaching moments, modeling self-compassion and resilience. His collaborative approach fostered trust and connection, showing that flexibility doesn’t mean lowering standards—it means embracing humanity.



How to Edit Your Inner Rulebook


Perfectionists often operate by rigid inner rules, which feel obligatory rather than meaningful.


The antidote? Shift from rules to values. Values, unlike rules, are freely chosen, intrinsically meaningful, and continuous.


They reflect what truly matters, not arbitrary standards or external expectations. When perfectionism becomes value-driven—focused on growth, contribution, and connection—it transforms from a source of stress into a source of fulfillment.


Perfectionism at Work: Trust Over Control


In the workplace, perfectionism can harm relationships and morale. Micromanagement and a refusal to delegate signal a lack of trust in colleagues, leading to frustration and disengagement. Instead, the key is to foster trust and collaboration, allowing team members to take ownership of their roles and grow.


The Path Forward


Perfectionism doesn’t have to be a burden. By embracing flexibility, valuing effort over flawless outcomes, and making room for mistakes, we can maintain high standards without sacrificing our well-being or relationships. As Dr. Hendriksen reminds us, the goal isn’t to abandon ambition but to pursue it with self-compassion.


So, the next time you catch yourself striving for perfection, pause and ask: Am I chasing excellence, or am I trying to prove my worth? Let that question guide you toward a healthier, more fulfilling approach to life and work.

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